Decisions
by AutumnRain1
Summary: Enjoy
1. Default Chapter

Title: Decisions Author: Autumn Rain Email: jaghrsm@aol.com Rating: R Feedback: Feedback is appreciated. Praise and constructive criticism is welcomed.  
  
JAG Headquarters 1400 hours  
  
Everyone had been avoiding the tall commander. Lt. Singer had reported back for duty the day before and had been seen in his office. A few minutes later she came out with an angry look on her face, and since then he had been in a foul mood. Even Bud who was back on temporary duty didn't dare enter or knock on his office door. The scuttlebutt was running wild about what the short conversation between Singer and Rabb had been about. Bud had just given a file to Mac to take to the Commander. If anyone could get to the bottom of this, he thought it would have to be her. Besides he didn't even want to consider facing the agitated Commander. *Knock Knock* "Enter" came a terse reply to Mac's light tapping on his door. She entered and secured the door behind her. "Care to tell me why even Bud is afraid to come and deliver this file H. Commander." The use of his name turning into his rank at the look on his face. "Thank you for the file Colonel. I believe you can find your way out?" He briefly glared at her before snatching the file out of her hands and returning his eyes to the file before him. Mac ignored him and sat down in the chair in front of his desk. She could see he was visibly upset. The pen in his hand was shaking. It was so unlike him. His hands were usually rock steady, no matter what situation they found themselves in. The only time she ever remembered his hands shaking was when they had found out his father was buried somewhere in the Taiga. She had gone up to him as he said his goodbyes and he had grabbed her hand. She could still remember the way his large hand shook in her small one. Something was not right here. What could Singer have said to him? She didn't believe one of the more outrageous pieces of scuttlebutt that had him involved in an affair with Singer which he broke off and Singer was going to press charges saying he used command influence to take advantage of her. "Colonel, I would appreciate your leaving I have paperwork to get done." He told her in clipped tones. Two metal Colonels' oak leaves clanked and bounced onto the file spread out on his desk. "Message received Mac," Harm sighed, "Not here, okay? Supper tonight, I'll cook?" He pleaded. His gruff demeanor dropped at her insistence and smile she offered him. "Deal, but I will bring the food, pizza?" "Yeah, and a twelve pack" Harm mumbled, and then remembered who exactly was sitting across from him. "Sorry Mac" he said. "Harm, it doesn't bother me, but I know the hard way drowning in alcohol isn't a great way to deal with your problems" Mac replied lightly.  
  
"Yes, tonight, okay?" Harm asked again. His eyes begging her to let it drop for now. It was taking every ounce of his control not to scream, cry, hunt Singer down and throttle her. Mac stood up and despite the blinds in Harm's office being open, she leaned over and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Their eyes meeting and holding on to the silent comfort being offered and accepted.  
  
  
  
North of Union Station 1800 hours  
  
He was half dreading her arrival and half wishing she would get here. He had spent the day trying to come up with the words to tell her what had happened. He knew she would be upset when he had kept the identity of the father of Singer's child a secret when he had found out back on board the Seahawk. She had a right to, he had kept her out of the loop of what had been her investigation, not that real identity of Singer's child's father had been important once it had been established she was pregnant prior to arriving aboard ship. The identity had not even been at issue at that point, once any one aboard had been cleared. That he had not only stepped onto her investigation, but didn't inform her of his findings, was something he was worried about, although it didn't even compare to the turmoil Singer's decision had brought upon him. "Harm? You there?" Mac called. Her repeated knocking not having brought him to the door, she tested the door knob and found it open. She set the pizza down on his table and walked to his side, looking out his window. "Anything interesting out there?" She teased him, but the smile fading from her face at the look on his face. There was a tense silence in the room and she didn't know what to say to the troubled man in front of her. She reached out and started rubbing small circles on his back without thinking and took reassurance at his leaning slightly back into her hand. "What is it Harm? What is wrong?" Mac asked. He was silent for a moment as he gathered himself, and tried to get rid of the lump in his throat that the words he was about to say brought. "Remember your 'investigation' on the Seahawk? Singer?" He answered her question with one of his own. "Yes." Mac replied cautiously. Despite her knowing that her partner wouldn't have become involved with Singer and the regulations against such a relationship not the foremost reason, part of her couldn't help but be suspicious, Singer was sort of his type, blond and all. The thought even disgusted her, she knew him better than that, but after years of seeing him with other women, she couldn't help the thought. "Harm, you.. You didn't. I mean you aren't." The words came out of her mouth before she could stop them. Harm gave a disbelieving snort. "Mac, I do hope you think better of me than. than that." His eyes briefly wide with horror and amusement as he speculated that thought and Mac's reaction to it. The look quickly fading as Mac gave an embarrassed grin. "It would be much simpler though if it were the truth." He stated, and then fell quiet again, retreating back to gazing out the window. "I could actually do something then." "Okay Harm, you better take this from the top." Mac said, feeling for him because she knew that if he cared about something and it seemed out of his control to help or fix, he didn't deal with that well at all. Taking a shaky breath in, Harm let it come out in a tumble, "Sergei is, was the father of Singer's baby. She wouldn't tell him, she didn't actually admit it to me until the other day. I knew anyway, but then it was too late. She had an abortion. She killed my niece or nephew." There was a stunned silence as Mac digested his words. The fact that Sergei had slept with Singer was enough to cause a doubletake, but the fact that Singer had an abortion didn't startle her in the least. The thing that really bothered her though was how Harm was taking all of it. She could understand his sense of loss. She knew Harm really loved children, but it really wasn't any of his business. She felt that Singer should have tried to contact Sergei, but in the end it was her body, it was her decision. "Harm, she should have told Sergei, but like you said it is over. I can imagine how you feel," she said, while an inner voice told her she could more easily understand how Singer felt. She opened her mouth to continue, but Harm interrupted. "She didn't have to have an abortion. She could have given the child to my brother, put him or her up for adoption, or. or." his voice faltered, but Mac finished his thought. "Or she could have given him or her to you to raise?" she asked, once again, finding herself shocked and blessed over his sense of honor. "Yeah, Mac. I would have. The child deserved a chance at life. Don't tell me you don't think that all children at least deserve that much?" His words cut her deep, as deep as his careless words over how the men in her life all ended up dead or wishing they were. As close as they were, as much as they had shared about their different yet equally as painful childhoods and pasts, there were still some things she had left out about her younger years. For instance, the abortion she had just prior to the accident that changed the course of her life. His words brought her back to that time, to that painful decision and the consequences that she lived with every day since. She swallowed against the memories and looked at him. "Harm, I know that her decision hurt you, but you weren't the father. Honestly it is none of your business even though Sergie is your brother. I don't think it was right of her not to tell Sergei what was going on, to talk to him about the options she felt were available, that is, was despicable, but when it gets right down to it, I do believe that it is a woman's choice to do what she feels is necessary. I know you would have welcomed this child into your life, your family, regardless who its mother was, but, and this sounds harsh, but what is done is done." She couldn't help the tears that had started to flow from her eyes. Her heart went out to Harm even though she didn't agree with his position on the issue, he had enough hurts in his life and she didn't have much sympathy for anything or anyone who added any more. She was also crying for Singer whom she believed had the right to do as she saw necessary, but still knew the turmoil that Singer was probably going through and would continue to do so, if there was anything human left in Singer which she seriously had doubts about. She also let the tears fall for the child she never had, that she knew probably would have suffered the effects of her drinking had she choose to carry to term and either raise or give up for adoption. Those tears mirrored the ones now falling freely from Harm whom all could do now was ask, "Why Mac? How could she kill a child? What kind of monster could do such a thing?" They sought comfort in each other's embrace and after a few moments of holding each other while the tears cried themselves out, Mac stepped back. "Not everyone believes that a fetus is a child Harm, so it isn't a matter of committing murder to those who feel that way. They don't feel that they are terminating a life. Some don't believe that a fetus is a child until it has been born. Some probably don't even think about it that much, but just feel that since it is the woman's body that goes through all the changes pregnancy involves that it should be her right to decide if she wants to go through with a pregnancy if she finds herself in that position." She tried to explain. He took a moment to digest her words and determining her position on the issue and then placed his hand on her lower belly. She was too shocked to move. "So, in a year, when AJ turns five, and the time comes for us to fulfill our deal, when you are carrying our child here," he pressed his hand gently against her, "you won't feel that it is a life we created that you are carrying? If a few weeks into it, you decide you want out of our deal, would you be able to make the decision to end the life of our ch.our fetus, as you put it, and then tell me after the deed was done?" his voice dropping to a whisper as tears started to fall from his eyes again. 


	2. Chapter 2

            "Oh" was all a stunned Mac could say.  He remembered the deal, he was serious about it.  She hadn't ever really doubted his sincerity, he always kept his promises, but part of her thought it wouldn't ever be brought up, that too many chances between them had gone by.

Her incredibility was obviously showing in her expression.

            "What Mac?  You do still want to... don't you?"  He asked her as he reached out to touch her cheek.  

            "Yes, of course, but... I, I just..."  Mac fumbled for words, not exactly knowing how to respond to his words and his gentle touch.

            "Okay, then would you even consider having an a.... doing what Singer did?" he reformed his previous question again.  There was a moment of silence as she considered her answer, his hand was still on her cheek, his eyes searching hers.  

            "No, not a child you and I made.  I couldn't… couldn't do it again."  She had wanted to keep eye contact, but lost her courage as she considered what his reaction to her admission would be.  He wouldn't miss it that was for sure, but she didn't think she had enough strength to see condemnation of her in his eyes.  

            He was filled with relief at her 'no', but then the 'again' filtered through to him as he watched her shift her gaze to the floor.  She had an abortion?  Who's?  When?  Why?  The questions raced through his mind, further sending his emotions into confusion.  

            As the moments passed, and he hadn't moved or said anything, Mac couldn't take the silence.  She took his hesitation to show his disappoint and disapproval of what she had done, of her.  She took a step back.

            "I….." was all she could get out as she turned and decided that a quick exit was best for the both of them.

            "Wait, Mac…."  Harm said as he realized her intent.  He reached out and grabbed her arm, immediately sorry as he saw the startled fear in her eyes.  "It… I just didn't know, I mean, and…. Okay, so I don't necessarily think it is a right thing to do, but I don't know the circumstances that you faced, and, don't go, please?"  he asked, releasing her and taking a few steps back to his couch.

            She knew he must be wondering whose the child was, when and why.  She was still stunned that she had actually told him.  She had never spoken about it to anyone, anyone that was still alive.  The doctor who performed it knew, and Eddie.  Eddie was dead a few months later and it was just one more bad childhood memory she tried to put in her past.  Maybe it was time though.  Perhaps it would help her, perhaps it would help Harm understand that it wasn't a choice that was taken lightly by anyone- either they realized that prior, or had to learn to deal with it after, even though her circumstances were completely different from the circumstances Singer faced.

            She followed him to the couch and after he sat, she sat facing him.  

            "I was 17 years old, Harm, I was still drinking.  The child was Eddie's.  We didn't exactly have many options.  I didn't want to bring another human being into what was my existence then.  Eddie and I weren't exactly parent material at the time, nor could we have supported the child.  At the time, I did it because it was an accident, I didn't mean to get pregnant and we saw it as a way out.  That was the kind of person I was, the person I was when I was drinking.  Looking back, I can explain it by saying that Eddie and I were incapable of being parents, that we couldn't afford it, that I didn't want another person to suffer as I was in my life at the time.  I could even say that I didn't want the child to be burdened with the effects of the alcohol I was drinking and that was why I didn't even consider adoption, but that wasn't the case.  It is something that I have never forgotten, that I will never forget.  I regret the decision, but it was made.  That is what I am trying to tell you Harm.  It is done.  Singer will have to deal with the consequences that will follow.  Someday, at some point, she will regret it, and I feel for her, that she felt this was the only option."  Mac explained, relieved at finding no signs of condemnation coming from Harm's gaze, although a bit uncertain where things stood because she could determine nothing else from gaze.  Again, the moments of silence as he kept looking at her, his face a perfect mask on his emotions, started to wear on her.   

            "Harm…."

            "I don't know what to say Mac.  I guess I can understand now why you keep saying it is a woman's right to choose, but it wasn't necessary for her to do that, there weren't issues of health defects here, or, even as I can hardly picture Singer with a child, issues of inability to take care of a child.  Singer isn't a child herself, she isn't 17, she is a grown woman.  She didn't even tell the father of her child that she was pregnant.  She didn't get his input on whether or not she should have the child."  He reached out and wiped a few tears that were making their way down Mac's face.  

            "I don't know what to say to you either Harm." She said, holding onto his hand as he finished wiping the tears away.  "You need to come to terms with this, and I don't know what to say or do to help you, and…."  Mac stopped.  She was too emotional to say anything else.  She didn't dare, she didn't know what would come out, and right now, Harm needed a friend, not the person he had encountered on an Australian ferry.  She slipped her hand from his and looked at the floor.

            "Yes?" he questioned after it appeared she was not going to continue.

            "What?"

            "You were going to say something else…. You didn't know what to say or do to help me "and"" He prompted, not entirely sure why he was pursuing it.

            She almost tried to put him off by saying she forgot, but looking into those blue-green eyes that were looking to her for understanding, comfort, explanations, seeing him so emotionally open, she told him.

            "I was going to say that it bothers me because I can't stand to see you hurting like this."  Seeing shock in his eyes, she continued, "Earlier today, when I was in your office, your hands were shaking.  I have only seen you shake like that once before, when we were in Russia.  I didn't know what to say or do then and it was hurting just as much."

            "You did know what to do."  He said to her.  "You came up beside me and stood there with me, holding my hand.  I wanted…."  He stopped, not daring to say anymore.  Things were right between them, he didn't want to mess things up and he wasn't sure how she would take what he had really wanted from her then, and even now.

            "What Harm?  What did you want?

            He decided that the floor was an interesting spot as she had before.  He wasn't sure what or why he was about to say this, so much was at stake.

            "I wanted you to hold me that night.  I couldn't sleep, all the noises in that old farmhouse, the strangeness, the emptiness I felt although I had finally found out what happened to my father.  I needed you closer than the guestroom down the hall.  I knew I didn't have the right to ask that from you though."  He felt tears return to his eyes as he remembered that night.  

            "I would have, if I had thought that was what you wanted.  I didn't sleep either that night.  I was too worried about you.  I almost came to your room a few times, but didn't dare.  I would have held you, and as my friend you had the right to ask that of me."  She assured him.  

            "No, I didn't.  I…" his face was slowly turning a deep red, but he continued, "I probably would have wanted more than just to have you hold me, and that I certainly didn't have a right to."

            Her faced matched his in color as she realized exactly what he was saying, but before she could stop herself, she heard herself say, "Do you want me to hold you tonight?"  Not sure herself if what she was offering him was "more than holding" or even if that was a good idea.  She knew she loved him, and wasn't sure how she would take a night with him only to find out he didn't feel the same way, but was just looking for a way to block everything out for a bit.

            "Do you know what you are asking?"  he asked.  Determined that she know this, if they actually did more than holding, would not be just about comfort sex.  That it was that, but more, that if he let go, and took her to his bed, that it would be in that bed only that either of them would ever belong in.  "Do you know that even though I have never told you, that I love you.  That you are only woman for me?"  He didn't need anymore issues on his plate right now.  A night with Mac without her understanding why he needed it and without him knowing why she was willing to offer it wasn't something he wanted to deal with.  He had enough to handle with Singer's announcement she had aborted her and Sergei's child.

            She gave him a smile, finally knowing that her feelings were not one-sided.  He had just told her he loved her, and she was so happy she didn't know whether to cry, scream, or tell him she loved him too.  Why was he looking at her like that?  She then realized that she had been sitting there for five minutes without saying a word.

            "I love you too Harm"  she told him, and a smile spread across his face as well, the first one he had given since before Singer had entered his office.  He was still upset about her decision, he was still mourning the loss of the child that would have been his niece or nephew, but he knew things were going to be okay because Mac loved him, and she would be there for him for this, and anything else that would happen in his life, as he would be there for her, it was happiness and sorrow mixed with a bittersweet relief and it made him realize how tired he was.

            "Let's go to bed Sarah.  I am exhausted and I want us to hold each other, okay?"  He asked.

            She got off the couch and led him to his bed, slipping into the offered sweats and t-shirt and then sliding down into his bed, holding her arms open to him.  That night as they just slept, comforted by the other's presence, in an apartment across town, a woman sat at her kitchen table, reading the labels on some prenatal vitamins, and wondering how to alter her clothes as she was going to hide her pregnancy until she could come up with another plan.   


End file.
